Last week one of my longtime besties – Kellie – was in town with her brand new baby and guess what? I held it and didn’t even hate it. I actually liked it. He didn’t, though. He was pretty pissed about it, really. Still, I held a baby and even took a photo of it because I knew people wouldn’t believe me.

Besides my niece Lilliebug and my best friend’s baby #DivaEva I haven’t really actively held a baby unless my mom dropped one on me like a grenade (which, yes, HAS HAPPENED). I’m just so awkward holding them – look! They are so fragile and I just drop everything so I simply cannot handle my anxiety with something so precious. Also they cry sometimes for no reason and that bugs me. Like give me a problem to solve or I will completely fall apart, baby. So I can look at your instagram pics of the cute onesie and giant headband and say “ohhhhh cute!” but lets leave it at that. It doesn’t mean I hate you or your baby. It just means it’s not in my realm of possibility.

I went to a baby shower this weekend. You know how those go for me. “So Danica, you’ve been married almost 3 years now… wow! That’s basically 10 in Provo Years! When are you having kids?” or “You’re next!” or my personal favorite “So are you going to keep teaching orrrrrrr…….?” I’m usually rude and just look questioningly for them to finish their sentence, making it as awkward as possible.

Consequently, more than one person has asked me in the past week or so:

“Why are you so afraid of having kids?”

I decided that after all this time and all the reasons I use it would be helpful to compile a list for my own personal reference – and yours too. Feel free to use any and all of these to dissuade overeager baby-wishers.

• I’m allergic to spit-up
• Glen Coco is my baby
• I am a good teacher and getting better every day. I can do a lot of good for a substantial number of kids each year, and it feels wrong to leave right when I can offer them the most.
• We live in a 1 bedroom apartment – no room! (this is quickly changing, so soon will not be a valid excuse, d*ng it)
• I have to teach at LEAST one more year to get my Level 2 license
• I’m working on my Masters soooooo….
• My doctor says I need at least 10 hours of sleep/night on weekends. His words, not mine.
• Me and The Beard really like it just being us!
• I’m better with teenagers so I’m just gonna wait a while and then adopt one of them
• We don’t even own a dining room table. We eat on the coffee table and use magazines for placemats. Great parent potential.

But the best reason? Creating a human life and bringing it into this world is LITERALLY the most important, most special, most divine thing you can do here on earth. It will change the lives of everyone around us – especially us. So FORGIVE ME if I want to make sure that I’m ready (as ready as you can be) and can be the best mom possible to a little buddy that we bring to this world. FORGIVE ME if I take having children VERY seriously and want to give it 100% when that day comes – but it is not this day.

Because the truest reason is this – I am selfish. I am so disgustingly selfish. I take naps 3-4 days a week after school. I own over 5 pairs of Victoria’s Secret PINK lounge sweats. I don’t even want to tell you how many shades of nail polish I own and how I keep buying new ones anyway. I eat microwave popcorn for dinner. I Pinterest roughly 8 hours a week, give or take. I LOVE spending time with my friends and picking up for random St. George trips on the weekends (can’t wait to soak up the sun THIS weekend with our besties!). I love my strong body (even if it needs to trim down for swimsuit season), lifting weights, going to Zumba and kickboxing, even *gasp* running sometimes. I love to walk around the mall and go in every single store. I love writing snarky blog posts. I love teaching and talking to 200+ people every day. I love spending way too much money on shoes and tacos and movies.

One day I hope to not be this selfish. One day I’m sure I’ll WANT to stay at home and just clean up a baby all day and night. One day I will accept all that responsibility and selflessness to raise a child in a righteous home. One day I’ll understand what my friends are talking about when they say being a mom is the best thing ever.

But for now, I’m gonna blog. And Pinterest. And go shopping. And spend $50 at the movie theater. I’m going to be grateful for this awesome life that I have and live it up – because I know one day it will be gone. Happier, maybe, hopefully, but different.

This doesn’t make me a better person than the girls I judge who get knocked up or pop out babies super young. It doesn’t mean I’m going to be a better mother. It also doesn’t mean I’m going to be a worse mother.

I don’t think people think I’m a bad person for not having kids right away. I hope not. But it doesn’t stop them from asking me about it with the casual tone of someone asking what you’re ordering for dinner.

Oh are you getting the Cashew Chicken? And when are you performing the very sacred and timelessly important task of bringing new life into this world and taking eternal responsibility for him/her?? Yeah I’m getting a Diet Coke, too.

We can all recognize the insanity of that question right? BUT THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE ASKING.

STOP IT. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE HAVING KIDS AND CAN’T AND YOU’RE BEING THE LITERAL WORST TO THEM. 

I wouldn’t use the word “afraid.” I’d try to avoid the word “selfish,” even though it’s true.

Why have I not had kids yet?

Because I care and because I take it immensely seriously. I want to give it 100% and I’m in no rush. I’m 24 and I have the rest of my life to be a mom. Right now I want to focus on me – as a teacher, as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter of God, which will make me a much better teacher, wife, friend, daughter of God AND someday mother. And when it’s right, it’ll be right.

Trust me. I’m trying to trust myself.