I feel like April sped by in an instant. I was very much looking forward to April. I was cleared for exercise at the end of March, so April was gonna be my month to really hit it hard in the gym, start a more conscious diet, and get moving outside. Ryan started a new job, so I was ready for all the schedule and routine shifts. We had a bunch of fun things planned and so much opportunity ahead.

I’m not saying April sucked, because it definitely didn’t. It just didn’t really let me tackle it quite the way I wanted. Pretty much every day in April was on a sliding scale of chaos. I landed two additional freelance contracts the first week of the month, and one of them is huge. I chopped off all my hair. I started a playgroup. Reese had some allergic reactions, and we’re still not totally sure what caused them. Me and Ryan also got sick. Lone started showing signs of a low fever. Easter. We started two softball leagues – co-ed for both of us, men’s double header league for Ryan. Several family gatherings. Two book club meetings. And Malone’s baby blessing.

Now before you say – “that… seems… impossible?” yes, it was. I really really really really really hate flaking on plans. It makes me feel crazy guilty and terrible. Idk how some people have no problem doing it. I have this weird thing where I feel the need to prove and justify why I can’t come to stuff like, “No I promise I really am sick! Would you like me to send you videos of my hacking cough? No? Well I did anyway!!!” No one cares. Idk why I’m like this. But anyway we had to cancel or miss a lot of stuff this month due to the sickness and busyness.

But I did realize a few things that made April more manageable. Cancelling things isn’t the end of the world. Rescheduling is your friend. The moment we decided to reschedule Malone’s baby blessing I felt a huge stress weight lift off me, physically and mentally. I simply didn’t know how we were going to get everything done and make things work, so I spent hours just stressing out and then I got sick. Rescheduling meant I could rest, relax, get my work done, and give the blessing and prep work the time and attention it deserves at a later date.

Same with skipping blog posts. I skipped Tuesday. I just did it. Nothing was really PRESSING me to write, and I had a lot going on. And it was ok. I’m really proud of the posts I *did* write this month, so skipping a day that would be mediocre at best is a-ok.

So April was complicated, fast, busy, slow, and crazy all at the same time. Here comes the GBOMB.

Good

• I really like my haircut. I have desperately needed a change for a long time. I’m still figuring it out, and I’m still not great at styling it, but I am into it. I might even take it a little shorter.
• Easter was so fun. Reese did an Easter egg hunt at my grandma’s care facility and actually participated! She also got super into dyeing eggs at my in-laws. A little too much. She drank the coloring water/vinegar. Yep.
• Malone has started sleeping 12 hour stretches because she is an angel child straight from heaven. One day karma will kill me, but let’s just not think about that.
• My new little playgroup is helping with our Adventure Days resolution. We’ve done Farm Country, the Orem All Abilities Park, Bean Museum (which I had to skip due to disgusting illness), and today we’re attempting the Tulip Festival. It’s fun to have a day to put on clothes and makeup, get out of the house, and play with friends somewhere cool. Not that I wouldn’t do it otherwise. It’s just more intentional and fun!
• I’m getting this nesting itch. I want to spring clean my entire house, throw out half the stuff I own, and just enjoy being home more. It’s uncharacteristic and so so good.
• When I was overwhelmed with all my work at the beginning of the month, I started this new thing where I actually ~didn’t try to get ahead or follow a schedule. Instead I said “ok what do I have to do today?” and did ONLY that. Then when I was done I usually felt great and kept plugging away at some of the additional contracts. It was so helpful to plan the procrastination, if that makes sense.
• They changed my dosage of medication at my postpartum check and honestly it is helping so much!
• I found my latest fave TV show and I want you all to watch it and report back. Crazy Ex Girlfriend has 2 seasons on Netflix and it has made me legitimately LOL every single episode.

Bad

• Crazy Ex Girlfriend only has 2 seasons on Netflix and I burned through them during the multitude of sick days we had this month. 🙁
• Cool story I have been dropping weight every week since having Malone up until April. It slowed and then one week I actually GAINED so that was enjoyable. I had a few days where I definitely felt really gross and disappointed and embarrassed. I don’t want this to set the tone for my postpartum diet and exercise. To be fair I’m still just 2 months postpartum, and we’ve been extraordinarily busy and sick. I’m just really hoping that I finally kick the remnants of this cold, wrap up my extra contract, and can start off May with a better exercise focus.
• But seriously, Cold? I mean, I know that you always show when I’ve been pushing myself too hard but you genuinely screwed me this month. And will you just GO AWAY? You’re nearing 2 weeks of life. No one likes a clinger.
• I think part of why that nesting hit me was because for those first 2-3 weeks of the month I was so busy and sick that I did basically no chores except the sustenance laundry. Don’t come over to my house. Don’t. Trust me.
• We went to one total hour of church this month. One. Please wish us luck with this Sunday. May our systems be healthy and our toddler be chill.
• Reese has learned the word and meaning of “Mine.” Yeah.
• I did a LOT of impulsive shopping this month. I think I feel really dissatisfied with my body and frustrated at what I can/can’t wear so then I buy stuff hoping it will work and make me look better. Then I just get frustrated that it DOESN’T work and mad at myself for spending money on stupid things. I need to just chilllllllll.
• I caught up on Up & Vanished and now that the arrests have been made it is boring AF.

On My Brain

• I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out my “style” when it comes to interior design. I tend to think everything looks good. So I’ve been using my down time to browse pinterest, edit my boards, cruise around on Houzz, and just generally try to figure out what I prefer. It’s fun and confusing.
• “When things calm down…” I found myself saying this a lot this month. I had probably double the work I normally have, plus Easter, plus the baby blessing, plus other family stuff, plus the unplanned illness, so it felt like all the “extra” stuff needed to just wait. Chores and exercise and blogging and setting up my planning class online and deep spring cleaning and reading and our annual spring trip with our besties and meal prepping and doing learning time with Reese. It felt like I couldn’t do those. They would have to wait for a time that was a little less crazy. I mean, I even burnt out and got sick this month withOUT doing those things.
  • Will things ever “calm down” again? Probably not???
  • Those things aren’t really the “nice to do”s. They are the things that make life fun and bearable and refreshed. I’m not sure a life where I can’t do those is a life I really want.
  • The extra work was super fun and lucrative for me. I really started to feel ~legit as a freelancer this month. I love feeling like a boss WAHM. But I’m also a SAHM. I’m not really sure where the balance is there! I was grateful for the work this month, but I know I don’t want this much work EVERY month. I don’t want this to be the norm, as cool as it’s been.
  • I absolutely HATE the idea that I will never be able to do everything I want to do. I can’t accept it.
  • Maybe my lil plannin’ brain needs to just take one day at a time, instead of months and weeks at a time. What do I HAVE to do TODAY? What would be nice to do TODAY? A sliding scale of priorities and tasks is probably better than feeling like I need to do everything all the time.
  • Normal people have already figured this out, huh?
• Button-down tops are the go-to for most nursing moms, but they never have and never will look right on me. Maybe it’s time to Just Say No.
• I sometimes feel guilty when I think about how much we needed Malone. I didn’t even realize it, but we needed her. She has changed all of us in the best of ways and this life is so much better than life before her. I don’t want to say that things weren’t great with Reese, because they were, but I do feel guilty when I can honestly say that I feel I was meant to have more than one kid.
• Speaking of, I am an insane person. I keep thinking “maybe we don’t need to wait as long between babies this time.” As if 2 years is extreme spacing lol. Part of me wants to just punch out as many babies as I can while I feel like it. I’m 28 and thinking that I want more babies than I originally planned, so maybe it’s time to crank em out. But I also don’t know if this is the calm before the storm and it’s just fun because Malone is so tiny and smiley. Remember, Danica… they start to crawl eventually…

May is hopefully going to bring plenty of time for exercise, play, and cleaning. May is hopefully going to bring routine. May is going to bring 2 family vacations, 2 family weddings, and 2 little girls in swimsuits, God willing.