What Malone Did

What Malone Did

Time is just the weirdest as a mom. Part of me feels like Malone has always been here. Part of me was like “WTF kid you can sit? Um? No???? You’re a baby?????”

I’ve been thinking a lot about the last two summers, always eagerly checking my Timehop to see what Reese was up to at this time last year, how she was two years ago comparing to Loney today. I think about what Danica was like as a mom to a 6 month old two years ago, and how she compares to the mom of a 6 month old and a 2.5 year old today.

At this time last year we were still terrified of miscarriage, still monitoring my activity, constantly worrying. We were dealing with a lot of changes and issues and development and growth in pretty much every area of our lives at the time, too.

I’ve also been SO AWARE that these six months, although there have been some new challenges for us, have been far and away the most beautiful, positive, encouraging, unique, wonderful, defining months of our family’s life.

That’s what Malone did.

Malone, from the very beginning, made her mom slow down. And she’s been doing it ever since. She’s not a needy kid. She’s not a problematic kid. Quite the opposite. But from the hemorrhage to today’s basic breastfeeding, Malone has been urging and allowing me to slow. TF. down. I had no idea how much I needed that. And I think I’ll understand the deeper need for it as I grow. Only on a handful of occasions have I fallen into a bad spot of frustration or impatience with it, thankfully. I’m incredibly grateful for the divine peace I’ve felt when I’ve needed to slow down, and that she’s just so d*ng cute and chill about it. I know I have a lot more for this little girl to teach me, but if she was sent here only to teach her mom how to slow down it would be life-changing and successful. It has changed me, re-wired me, soothed me, strengthened me.

That’s what Malone did.

For Ryan, Malone has had a very humbling effect. He has twice had to stand by quite helpless while doctors told us scary words about this tiny girl. He laid fingers on her tiny head to give her a blessing which filled every square inch of that hospital room, relying on my father in his emotion and fear. But even at the gender ultrasound, when there was no fear, it was a different Ryan than the one who walked into Reese’s gender ultrasound. That Ryan was confident and set on a little boy. This Ryan was quieter, more humble, more open. “Reese has been better than I could have ever imagined, so another little girl like her would be awesome.” He’s a more intentional dad. Something about a second child, and another daughter, has placed a privilege and responsibility on his shoulders. It’s hard to describe.

But that’s what Malone did.

Our marriage was revealed, and in the very best way, by Malone Katherine Holdaway. Some people say that they had a really good marriage but were surprised at how they stumbled over issues or challenges. The exact opposite was true for us, lol. Our day-to-day is much more divisive, but boy-oh-boy does our marriage crush it in stressful or hard or scary situations. I’ll take that trade off! The decision about when to have her, me telling Ryan she was coming, the hemorrhage, the rest, the delivery, bringing her home, RSV, and just operating as a new family of four… our marriage has seriously risen to the occasion and never been better. It bound us in a way we somehow weren’t before.

That’s what Malone did.

It wasn’t until Malone’s blessing day that it really hit me: Reese needs Malone. I didn’t (and truthfully still don’t) fully understand what that meant. But few things have come to me that clearly from my Father in Heaven. The most obvious change in Reese has been a concern for others, stemming from her concern for Lone. She asks for her, gives her things, worries about her, tries to fix her problems, cares about her in a way she’s never cared about another person before. I’m sure some of it is just developmental for a two year old, but I know in my heart that Reese needed this sweet, non-threatening, #1 fan to help her begin developing an understanding of service and protection.

That’s what Malone did.

We are all more of whatever we’re meant to be. We’re all further along on the right road. We are close. We are happy. We are together. We are truly an actual, literal, for realsies family.

If she’s done all that by 6 months of age… damn. Can’t wait to see what Malone will do in the next 6 months.

Post navigation

5 thoughts on “What Malone Did”

  • 2 months ago

    Tears. I loved this.

  • 2 months ago

    This made me cry, what a beautiful post. She’s a very special spirit.

  • 2 months ago

    Okay and now I’m sitting here crying like a baby. I feel so many of these same things for Zoey. We needed her so bad in a way I never knew. I’m realizing more and more that this whole life is about how we change through our interactions with others. We think it’s this black and white thing where we be good and we get into heaven. But seeing the way we are changed by our children and our spouses and our family members – I just know that has to be what this is all about. Just think of all the work Malone was doing for your family before she got here. And what your future children are doing right now. It’s just so incredible and my mom heart can’t handle this this late at night 😭

  • 2 months ago

    Side note. There is something special about that baby. You can see it in her eyes. It’s so weird because it’s exactly how I feel about Zoey.. Almost as if she KNOWS. They are old souls and they just freaking get it and they signed up to come at a time when the world is going crazy because they. Are. Ready. I can’t wait to see what their future is like

  • 2 months ago

    love love love love love love love

What do you think?