The list of breakthroughs I had in therapy is short, but powerful. You know a breakthrough when you see it. The earth shifts. Colors brighten. Suddenly it feels like you achieve fluency in your brain’s language.

One such breakthrough for me was on the principle of values. The idea that there are things that are important to you which aren’t important to every person on this earth was, frankly, shocking????? Like???? The things I have determined to be vital are simply vital to me because of my upbringing and my deciding to make them valuable, not because they are universally mandated. Ok????

Obviously not everyone loves The Office, or popcorn, or reading, or color-coding their lives. But those are preferences. Not values. I understand when people don’t ~like the same things (kind of). I could never understand when people didn’t ~value the same things I value. Because I didn’t identify them as values – I identified them as universal truths. Giant mistake on a dead course to disappointment and confusion.

Another huge breakthrough was just the simple principle that no one is perfect. Are you laughing? I know. BUT MY DUMMY BRAIN LEGIT DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT. I really and truly thought I was never supposed to mess up, and if I did there was no coming back from it. Things were good or bad, and they were permanent.

Finally, these two breakthroughs were married in a ceremony that was illuminating, relieving, and gloriously free of tacky DJs. My values are MINE alone, completely non-transferable. Values are, intrinsically, neutral. And in application they have strengths and weaknesses, wins and mistakes.

Coins.

I think this idea came from Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies, but wherever I got it… it stuck. It’s truth rang out like a bell in my heart and mind.

All of our values or strengths are coins, with good and bad sides. They are inseparable. You can’t pick up just the side of the penny with Abe Lincoln on it. The other side comes with it.

For example, I would determine one of my values to be planning. The good side of this coin is that I don’t forget birthdays, I get my sh*t done, and I am usually on time. The bad side of this coin is that I am annoying AF when trying to schedule things in advance, condescending when you forget things, and get unreasonably annoyed when you’re late. I have been called a “control freak” “Nazi” and “bitch.” And I usually deserve it. Well, not Nazi. Never call anyone a Nazi.

They come together. There are so many great benefits of my valuing planning and preparation. But coming with those benefits are inevitable consequences – ESPECIALLY where my value clashes with someone else’s value. (I often have a very hard time working with people who are free-spirited, spontaneous, or super easy-going.) They come with mistakes, flaws, blind spots, contradictions, sins.

The bad will never be completely eliminated. I’m always going to be predisposed to judging, snarking, eye-rolling, controlling, and forcing. What matters is that I’m always trying to see that. That I try to maximize the benefits, and minimize these yucky parts. AND. Allow others the same.

Parenting has been the biggest application of this newfound concept for me. Parenting is an area driven by values, which explains why there’s always going to be drama about how we choose to parent compared to the next guy. Because we parent according to values, when someone parents differently it feels like an attack on our values – values that we incorrectly project onto the rest of the world.

Ryan and I heavily value independence. We value it over softness, attention, and patience. You may think “Geez they let their kids run wild” or “No wonder their kids destroy everything” or “Does she just ignore her girls??? Wow.” I say the word “may” because I’m giving you, reader, the benefit of the doubt, but I know for a fact many people DO think these things and other related thoughts. Because they’ve told me so.

That’s the bad sign of the coin. There are so many times I know I am not paying enough attention to my girls. Times I let them cry. Too much unsupervised time leads to destroyed closets, emptied tubes of makeup, bags of marshmallows consumed while I do something I want or need to do. I lose them in malls and stores because they aren’t afraid to lose me. They are mad instead of relieved to see me when I return to pick them up from a babysitters’ house. None of these, and many more, are lost on me. It used to leave me in confused tears, or feeling like the meanest, coldest, most selfish mom on the earth. And I am still working on minimizing them, finding the balance.

But things got a lot easier when I connected them to the other side, without which they wouldn’t be currency at all. Seeing holistically, instead of in black-and-white allowed me to better appreciate the great things that our value system brings to our family. It allowed me to more clearly and objectively view the bad side effects so I can work on them. It lifted the weight of perfectionism.

My girls are independent as hell. They can feed themselves. Play by themselves. Sleep by themselves. Reese can bathe herself almost completely (with supervision, obvs) except for me shampooing her hair. We’re talking start the tub, get nakey, turn off the water when full, soap up and rinse her whole body. IT’S BOMB. I can count on one hand the number of times my girls have cried when I’ve left them at a babysitter’s or nursery. They are not scared of the world or people in it. Reese ran up to a girl at the playplace yesterday and proclaimed “Hi I’m Reese! You wanna be my friend?” and Loney swaggers up and bends over as if in a bow and spluttered “I Hyoney! I Hyoney!” Reese feeds Glen Coco every day as part of her chores. I’m hoping that list gets longer each year. Reese’s Sunbeam teacher told me she’s the only one in her class who answers questions and she loves to run the show and it is legit making me so proud I want to cry.

I value independence. I have a clear vision for my daughters that includes them feeling capable and safe in their world. I want them to know they can do absolutely anything, and by themselves. Sure, everyone needs help and support. But they are the bosses of their lives. They will know how to do everything to meet their own needs so that no matter what happens their needs can be met. They can build whatever they want because they will have the tools and the confidence.

The world would be a nightmare if it was full of Reeses and Malones. As much as I love them. As much as I think people should have their general sh*t together like me. As much as I know the Leslie Knopes and Hermione Grangers of the world make a difference. It cannot be like that. The world needs a Reese, and a Malone, and a Danica. So I will supply them with that. But the world needs a you, and your daughter, and your son, too.

It’s so easy for me to spot the bad side of other kids’ coins. Usually when in direct opposition to my coin’s value. I sometimes can’t believe kids who are so whiny, needy, picky, sensitive, attached. I can’t believe you let them get away with so much! I can’t believe you allow them to be addicted to your presence and attention! I can’t believe you have the audacity to live your life in a way so different from mine!!!!!!!!!

I can’t believe how sweet and tender your child is. I can’t believe that they’ll just walk next to you in a store, no matter what Disney princess they see on a 2-inch tag across the department. I can’t believe how well they know animal sounds or nursery rhymes or shapes because you spend time teaching them. I can’t believe how clean and well behaved they are. I can’t believe how jealous I sometimes feel at the deep connection you have with your child.

You have both sides of your coin. And I have both sides of mine. We can honor all of them.

Life is about these coins. Choosing our coins carefully when we can choose them. Trying to keep them face up on the best sides as much as possible. And just OWNING it.

The Savior was perfect. His coins were as face-up as they get. But even His coins had the bad sides – rubbing people the wrong way, exhaustion, rejection, isolation, confusion, loneliness, disappointment. Plenty of people disagreed with the coins He chose. But thank goodness He chose coins and stuck to them – both sides. There was meaning and impact in the bad sides too.

And then instantly it’s so much easier to see other people. They just have different combinations of change in their pocket. Some of them are pennies – I mean, if you value white supremacy then your good side isn’t worth hardly anything, fam. Pick better coins.

We’re just all trying to be rich in our values. We’re all just trying to balance the sides of our coins. We can hide those bad sides, or those bad sides can get paraded on display at the Target checkout. We can laud the good sides of our coins, or refuse to see them when we choose negativity and wallowing. We can amplify our good sides for an incredible return-on-investment. We can pay down our bad sides like scalding student loan debt.

Hold your coins. Look at both sides. Act accordingly.