Bizarre. 2019 is actually more than halfway through, and now that I’m actually stopping to notice I’m pleased at how much I have to show for it. On January 1st 2019 I didn’t really know what to expect from this year. It was our “off” year for Disneyland, with just our final trip planned in January. I wasn’t pregnant or planning to be pregnant this year. We weren’t moving or starting anything new. I just stood there, looking at the blank year ahead and wondering where it was supposed to take me. Or, perhaps, where I was supposed to take it.

The word and vibe that had come so clearly to me was BUILD. It was time to do and become. It had a lot of applications and was intimidating. Especially because the implication was largely outward. This year was about the way I am connected to others. As an anxiety-ridden perfectionist this was scary. I prefer to focus on personal, private development. Goals that involve only me. The margin of error and impact goes wayyyyy up when you have to think about and introduce other people in the equation.

I wanted to build my relationships with people. I wanted to build others up. I wanted to start over, going from the ground up. Increase, enlarge, progress, develop, wax strong. I knew it would create some discomfort, and it has. I’ve screwed up and had to reset, over and over. I’ve had to muddle through in circumstances where I had no direction, no idea of what I was supposed to do or say for the individual in front of me.

This year, more than any other, I’ve had to rely on the blueprint of this build. I’ve had to come back again and again, reminding myself of the bigger picture and the task at hand. It’s worked. I feel more confident in what I’m building, and I feel that I’m carrying that blueprint with me rather than having to return to the office every other day.

Progress

I want to remember, celebrate, and document what I have accomplished, no matter how vague, because with the type of goals I have it isn’t always as tangible or visible. Six months into this year I’m looking back and seeing past the scaffolding to the walls rising all around.

• Relief Society – six months ago I was still struggling to keep my head above water, but now I feel more equal to it. I have learned volumes, and my gift to you is that I will not chronicle it all. I’ve worked hard, done things I didn’t want to do, learned to work with and love those unlike me, and just straight up improved as a Christian.
• Family – the messy work of digging up poorly set foundations can leave me feeling unstable and nauseous, but I’ve also had some conversations that I will always remember. This is a big focus for the remainder of the year, but I hope they can sense my effort and commitment.
• Friendships – I guess I always thought friendship should be effortless and comfortable, but this year I’ve discovered the breathtaking new heights of friendships that can weather imperfections, constructive criticism, and ultimately… trust. I’ve been put in tight spots and had to make delicate choices and considered tactfully placed words. In more than one relationship I’ve had the opportunity to turn away from my former drug (gossip) and turn toward the tougher conversations of helping someone see the good in others without making them feel bad or judged. I haven’t succeeded every time, but I have a few times and I want to remember how much better those were.
• Money – we have real live grown-a** investment accounts, y’all. I started writing freelance again, reworked our budget a few times, paid off two accounts, and set some goals we’re PSYCHED about.
• Anxiety – I have had only one panic attack this year that I can recall. I have had periods of heightened anxiety, but by and large I have worked hard and count myself successful at managing my mental illness. I’ve built healthy habits, and I hope I can stand here in December even more in command.
• Marriage – we have grown so much. I read Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and it quite frankly transformed what I thought I knew about marriage. We’ve totally shifted from focusing on how different (and often belligerent lol) we are to the idea that we can build WITH those differences.
• Temple – I rebuilt my relationship with the temple from the ground up. I found my own family names. I started with baptisms and confirmations, connecting to the strong foundation I had created as a youth. And now I’m about to go do the last step – sealings. I no longer feel scared and anxious and inadequate. I feel peace and strength.
• Girls – A few key experiences with my girls have redirected me, humbled me. I’ve SEEN what I want for our future and how I need to change my approach to get there.
• Future – The shift has been unprecedented. I care so much less about my ambitious plans, and so much more about just ~being. The time for that will come. I’m still working on my manuscript and incubating some ideas, but the brakes are firmly in place.

The Next 6 Months

I’m not even halfway through my 30 Before 30, and only have about 4 months to complete it. This building process has necessitated some demolitions that are currently very messy, especially in relationships. My calling and ward situation will likely be changing soon, so a shake-up will keep me on my toes. The finance goals are a long haul, so endurance will be essential – and difficult.

I’ve learned how crucial it is for me to stay connected to my goals, my mission. That’s what I need for the next six months. To stay centered and true to my goal of building something great. The work has been hard, but I have seen progress and reward.

I kind of feel like 2019 is the year I truly become an adult.