I used to hate on the Bachelor franchise real hard, you guys. Reality TV in general, but especially the Bachelor. Thankfully I’ve seen the light of how much fun it can be to watch with your friends and just lose yourself in something so totally ridiculous and 100% detached from your life. Plus, popcorn.
Except this season, which is an exceptional dumpster fire.
It’s had me thinking a lot about different spinoffs that I’d prefer to this season. It’s hard to think of something that wouldn’t be preferable to this season, to be honest. But I just think that the Bachelor franchise has a lot of untapped potential so if you have any hookups at ABC I will sell these ideas in exchange for never having to see any of the people on this season ever again.
Bachelor Spinoffs/Features
Get Ready With Me – a show that is exclusively the girls of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Paradise getting ready for various dates and parties. I have wanted this for a long time. I want to see what products they use, how they apply their makeup, what size curling wand barrel they use, if they’re using strip lashes or extensions, etc.
Jeopardy – Once per season, let’s say halfway, the remaining contestants are in a trivia competition. Keep it super basic. State capitals and the water cycle and elementary school $*&^.
Therapist Commentary – After each episode, a 20 minute show featuring a therapist who breaks down all of the personality disorders and unhealthy communication/coping behaviors presented in that episode.
Pop-Up Video – Fact checking pop ups, just like the beloved MTV music videos we grew up with. For example, when some 2.5 GPA influencer says “finasco” or mispronounces “lingerie” there is a pop up to correct it.
Map Education – before they travel anywhere (Chile or somewhere exotic like Cleveland) each of the contestants has to try to find it on a map. Then a geography teacher comes in to give a brief lesson about the actual location.
Ex Surprise – An ex from each contestant is brought into a group date and the girls are given the option to choose one of them and leave. For example, this season’s football group date could have ended with an equal number of contestant exes showing up and mingling with the girls, basically all of the girls realizing those would be better choices than Peter, then leaving with those men instead.
Coup – an unlocked secret option where, if all of the girls in the house are able to come together in agreement, they all turn on the bachelor and riot for a new candidate. I fantasized about this during Peter’s season.
Post Bach – a show where, every week, they check in with a former contestant and make them display what they’re doing now. For example, make some idiots actually cook their Hello Fresh meal or admit that they have extensions and it isn’t Sugar Bear Hair making their hair grow long & thick.
Spoilers on the Street – like Billy on the Street, a loud and ridiculous host walks around big cities and tells pedestrians fake spoilers and gets their reactions. “Hey do you watch the Bachelor??? What did you think about Peter being a Never Nude????
Tell me those wouldn’t be infinitely better than this disappointing wet sock mildew season.