I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I can’t quite pin down 2024. My word was Curious, so it was bound to be nebulous and exploratory I suppose.

I was pretty curious and gentle with myself last year. I didn’t push hard. I didn’t force stuff. I really did try to ask more questions and let things mystify me anyway.

I got really curious with my brain and my heart. I spent a lot of the year asking the question “Why am I this way? No one else seems to think or feel this way.”

In good moments, it was “I have some cool and unique ways of seeing the world.”

In bad moments, it was “You’re the last one to discover that you’re actually the most obnoxious and malprogrammed human to walk this earth and maybe you’re autistic?”

I jumped back into therapy and spent more time examining MYSELF, rather than outside factors. I tried to engage curiosity when those outside factors started to stress or block me.

In a lot of ways it felt like scales falling from my eyes. In a lot of ways, I felt like a human for the first time. (Has anyone else ever felt like an alien that was dropped here with everything wired for another planet? No, surely that is just me.)

One thing has become abundantly clear as I exercised curiosity and tore down the curtains over my proverbial mirror.

I do NOT know how to feel or listen to my own gut. Turns out this mouth is just running with nothing going on behind it.

It’s so many things. It’s being an eldest daughter. It’s being an Enneagram 3, INFJ, Type A. It’s being a people pleaser. It’s being raised in patriarchal Mormonism. It’s having a neurodivergent brain that fires on every possible cylinder—and tries to fire on the cylinders of others, too. It’s anxiety and depression and ADHD. It’s the magazine covers I saw as a preteen. It’s the hustle culture of recession capitalism throughout my adulthood. It’s caffeine.

So I’ve reached the mountain I am to climb.

In 2025 I am going to practice dropping down into my body and FEELING.

I want to be in touch with my feelings, knowing WHAT I am feeling and being able to discern the cocktail of emotions that are swirling at any given moment.

I want to be in touch with my body, letting it speak to me and really listening.

I want to stop and feel before I choose.

I want to stop and feel before I respond.

I want to be taking frequent, constant surveys of what I’m sensing. What feels good. What feels bad. Making note, and using the information accordingly.

I want to open up to each day, each moment. Feeling deeply, finding the beauty, chasing the feelings that light the way to happy.

I want to feel ALL my feels. No suppressing the sadness that feels indulgent. No dismissing the joy that feels dangerous.

I want to create spaces and vibes that ~feel~ the way I want them to. Conscious decisions based on how I want things to be, not the way others’ think they should or because I’m trying to get people to see me a certain way.

I want to consider how I make other people feel, primarily my daughters. None of the things I’ve been doing right with them will matter if I make them feel as anxious and overwhelmed as I always do.

To feel means to be aware of or experience a sensation. It’s also the act of touching to examine or experience. 

I owe my head and my heart a lot of apologies.

Not only did I not listen or try to develop the skill of intuition, but I actively shut myself down. I told my gut it was wrong. I told my feelings to please get off the stage, the next act is supposed to start. I turned my back on my own brain, over and over and over again.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I am so sorry I betrayed us.

The times I knew I didn’t want to go to the thing, didn’t want to say “sure, I can do that.”

The people I tried to please, when I never stopped to ask if I even liked them? (Narrator: she didn’t!)

The moments I felt sick about my own silence, but cemented my teeth together.

The absolute revolt my body threw for two horrific weeks this spring, finally fed up and refusing to leave my bed or think of anything but dying to end the hurricane inside me.

YEARS of gaslighting myself more comprehensively than any person or organization ever could.

I promise I will dedicate 2025 to listening, learning, practicing, and acting.

I will spend 2025 feeling.