Hi everyone! Just dropping in to say that I’m still alive but barely!!!!

I don’t know if it’s 3 kids.

I don’t know if it’s that I’m 30.

I don’t know if it’s quarantine.

I don’t know if it’s that Reese is 5 and Lone is 3.

I don’t know if it’s that there’s no baseball, movie theaters, fun stuff to do.

I don’t know if it’s D-MER and/or PPA. (well I know I do have them, just not if it’s ALL that)

I just know that it’s hard. It’s been hard. It’s also been great. But hard. There have been some hard days. I’m trying so hard not to ask myself “what in the h*ck did you get yourself into? You can’t do this. Your life is miserable now.”

Reese dotes on Stevie and is SO HELPFUL. But she also will not. stop. escaping. And I’m constantly on edge about where she is and what she’s doing and if I can keep her safe. Discipline-wise we have had a ton of issues and nothing seems to be working to help her make better choices about listening and following rules. It’s brought me to literal tears and made me feel so hopeless through the last week.

If you’ve been here for more than 10 seconds you know how social my kids are, hence the escaping. They’ve also taken to hanging out in the dining area of our house, waiting for the neighbors to be in the backyard so they can talk to them over the fence, or for people to walk by the house so they can try to talk to them through the door’s childlock crack. They’re desperately verbally ambushing the DoorDash guy, Amazon delivery people, the Walmart grocery kids loading stuff into the trunk. They just need people. It breaks my heart because I know how hungry they are for it and I just can’t let them run out to chat with friends on bikes or go visit cousins or do anything really. They just don’t understand a 6 foot social distance cushion, and don’t have the impulse control to remember to do it.

My anxiety is for sure back with a bang, and thank goodness I’ve spent the last 3 years coming up with a super effective list of coping strategies like going to movies, aimlessly walking around Target, going to the gym, taking my kids to the playground, restaurant dinner dates with Ryan, girls nights with my friends… oh wait. I can’t do any of that.

Stevie is just a tiny bit more challenging than Reese or Malone. And by challenging I just mean that she isn’t sleeping 8 hours by herself at this point like they were. I know I’ve been so lucky and such a spoiled brat. I just haven’t really learned the skills to putting a baby down and getting her to sleep longer and on her own. This means I’m snuggling her all night, which is awesome, except my neck and shoulders are screaming in protest and my sleep debt is growing.

Also… D-MER. I had no idea it was a Real Thing to get anxiety and dread when you nurse. I thought I was just nuts or it was the way my PPA manifested. Nope. Turns out it’s a real condition and I’ve definitely had it with all 3! It’s a hormonal thing linked to milk letdown and it ~sucks. It’s weirdly comforting to know it’s real and to put a name to it, and helped me make the decision to quit nursing which feels so relieving.

I am so frustrated with the quarantine, just like everyone else. We’ve done our very best to be safe, but I’m starting to really wonder what we’re doing, if it’s working, the damage it’s causing, and what the world will become.

We are coming out of the woods; I know that. Quitting breastfeeding will be rough for a minute, but ultimately improve everything. Warmer weather means more walks and bike rides and at least running in park grass even if we can’t get on the playgrounds. Some new approaches with my big girls are already showing signs of progress. We’ve evaluated our risk and needs and made decisions to connect with family and others in smart, safe ways to protect our mental health. Stevie is sleeping better each night and she’s SO FREAKING CUTE.

The Megaplex does drive-up popcorn.

Tiger King memes still bring me pure joy.

I just read The Power of Stillness and feel like it changed me.

Ryan’s been making killer dinners like 4 nights a week.

We are going to be ok. I can feel us turning a corner. But I also want to remember the last few weeks, and to remind myself that it’s ok for things to be hard.