The weather was a relief, and my hopes were SO. HIGH. I was trying Lexapro and planning vacations and truly felt I was about to turn a corner. But as it turns out, Lexapro is poison for my specific brain. I spent most of the month barely scraping by, trying to sleep more than I was awake. On the flip side, it was a particularly good month with my girls. I found it much easier to be a good parent, and had more fun doing things with them.

Not sure I have much to show for this month, but I think it’s ok to just be glad you’ve put a month behind you.

Good

• I CHANGED MY LAST DIAPER. Stevie was my latest to potty train, but she took it like a champ. And knowing it’s your last {insert baby stage here} makes things easier, at least for me.
• Easter was just so lovely. We had such great time with our neighbors and both of our families. It really meant so much to be outside, feeling the sun, and connecting with people we like.
• We finished our Star Wars marathon!!!! It was so fun! 10/10 recommend!!!
• I got my first facial! It was so relaxing and fantastic. I’m hooked.
• We found a medication that is working for Reese. I will eventually post about how to get the specialized help and resources you need for a spirited child, but suffice it to say that we’ve all felt some serious relief.
• Family movie date to the Mario movie! I, surprisingly, enjoyed it!
• Sinisterhood! My absolute favorite podcast came on tour and I got to see them for the second time. I love them so much.

Bad

• My mental health is at or near my lowest-ever point. I got on Lexapro in March and immediately started feeling like trash. So we upped it. Felt like EVEN MOAR TRASH. It was bad, guys. I was not ok. As I turned the corner into May and faced a whole ‘nother month with Lexapro draining my life force, I couldn’t do it. I’m stopping the Lexapro and diving into more research about Ketamine and non-SSRI options.
• We had a couple of bouts of sickness, including Loney puking all over her bed and just going back to sleep (!!!) and worse—Stevie getting a stomach bug that plagued her for about a week right before/during my business trip.
• I’ve had a lot of anxiety around summer. Last summer was SO ROUGH. I’m trying to cultivate a more optimistic attitude about this summer, and to get some pieces in place to set us up for success, but there is some real PTSD to face.

On My Brain

• I had the opportunity to go to a conference for work in North Carolina. I’ve never done a conference before, and I learned a lot about designing, setting up, and working a booth. The questions I kept asking myself was “is this worth it?” and “Do I like this? Could I keep doing it?” I guess the fact that I ~had those questions is my answer. I am very grateful and privileged to have the job I have, and yet I still wrestle with the work-life balance in a way that makes me very career-existential.
• We watched How to Get Rich with our guy Ramit on Netflix. We love his book and we loved the show. It had me thinking a lot about preconceived notions about money and spending—especially when what we want and what we’re told is a “good” expense don’t line up. We’re in the best financial position of our lives right now, and it’s the perfect time for us to consider, together, what our “rich life” looks like.
• I binged The Witch Trials of J.K. Rowling on my work trip and actually have not stopped thinking about it. I am by no means settled, which I think is a good thing. I learned a lot from both sides of the trans rights issues (surprisingly it pulled me closer to center/right instead of pushing me left, which is more common for me these days). In truth, it’s more about the way we engage in polarizing topics in today’s charged climate. I think it’s a valuable exercise for everyone to listen and truly consider both sides, research their own claims, formulate their own opinions, and consider how they engage with people on the opposite side.
• I am starting to… care less??? About what people think???? I’m noticing it in little ways. Being less particular about my outfits or not stopping to tone things down. Sharing my opinions more clearly, without hedging. Not going to stuff I don’t want to go to, creating the boundaries I need to create. Realizing that I’m not nitpicking conversations after the fact. It’s in subtle, small moments. But the change is happening and I’m very excited about it, because I’ve realized how much caring about opinions has handcuffed me all my life.

I am far more optimistic about May. I’m already feeling better off the Lexapro. The weather has been fantastic—even the cloudy, rainy days we’ve been getting. It’s all going to be ok and it will be FUN. On the docket is a karaoke birthday party, preschool graduation, a family getaway for Memorial Day, hosting book club, and finally tackling Six of Crows & Crooked Kingdom!