A Very Slutty Halloween

It’s been one heck of a week. Halloween, belated birthday celebrations, Harry Potter Triva Night (post forthcoming), late school hours with Term 1 ending, an obnoxious low-grade cold, and my magically easy pregnancy suddenly getting hecka uncomfortable… it was awesome and exhausting. Not surprisingly the excitement and exertion finds us missing a handful of Halloween parties in favor of a Harry Potter marathon on our couch with this unhappy little shark.

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Yesterday at school I did the Salem Witch Trials, like I did last year, and it was just as awesome. One girl started crying out of frustration and a football player kicked over a chair when accused of being a witch. Boy, do I love tormenting them!

One of my adorable but undeniably strange students came up to me after saying “I thought maybe IIIIII was one of the witches. Because, you see, my religion actually IS pagan.” oooookkkk. Remind me to not piss this kid off because I watched Carrie a few weeks ago and I know what happens when people bully telekinetic outcasts.

I also made the mistake of asking a kid if he was Freddie Mercury, because, obviously, he looked JUST like Freddie Mercury – red leather, mustache, aviators, attitude (see below). I should have known better, since this kid was born in 2001, is a super macho athlete, and MAYBE has heard “We are the Champions.”


“Uhhhh who? No. I’m a fighter pilot, duh. Who’s Freddie Mercury? An astronaut?” 

“Oh of course! Yep, he’s an astronaut.” Not wanting to explain that I thought he was a homosexual AIDS poster boy with the best rock n roll pipes in the biz. That is one parent phone call I’d rather not take.

But hands down. HANDS DOWN the best school Halloween memory this week? The only slutty costume I saw. Now, there WAS a French Maid again this year, but she was wearing the short little dress and apron with pants so it wasn’t problematic. {Besides the obvious problematic fact that her parents were cool or unaware that she was dressing as a French Maid because French Maid costumes are ONLY made to be slutty.}

No, this year is one for the books because this slutty costume is one you’d never think could be sexualized. Think “Slutty Pumpkin.”

Ok let’s see if you can guess. I’ll give you a hint: it’s from the year’s most popular Disney feature.

Elsa? No that’s too obvious.

Ana? Nope.

Oh yeah I forgot she said it was a naturally NON-sexual so probably not a princess… Sven?

You’re getting closer.

Another Hint: When you’re getting colder you’re actually getting warmer. {Bonus points for Office reference.}

That’s right. The ONLY slutty costume I saw yesterday was OLAF. OLAFFFFFFFFFFFF.

HOW CAN OLAF BE SLUTTY, you might be asking. Well, with see-through white tights and dancer shorts, a white tutu, and a deep-v white sweater with all the Olaf accessories (coal buttons, scarf, carrot nose, etc.). Think something along the lines of these (and trust me, DON’T google “Slutty Olaf”):

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I was in complete shock, and didn’t even think I could send her to be dress coded since it was 7th period and she somehow made it through the entire school day without anyone else complaining. They’re focused on all those nurse and policemen costumes upstairs in the 9th grade, I guess.

But you know what? Whatever. Young single girls everywhere can have as much fun with this holiday as they want. The REAL problem I have is with endowed, married women very obviously breaking eternal covenants in the name of a COSTUME.

I realize this may be a judgmental, self-righteous, personal and private opinion. But what do you even come to my judgmental, self-righteous, personal and private blog for anyway? I thought so.

“Only God can judge me.” Yep. That’s precisely who WILL judge you, actually. And you’re lucky it ISN’T me. 364 days a year is probably good enough, for an ETERNAL COVENANT, which you made with THE TRUE AND LIVING GOD? Probably! Yeah! Go for it! Sexualize your married, sacred body and rock that pop culture costume! Thumbs up!

If they can do it, that means I get to be the slutty Rainbow Dash the Beard would love me to be for next year. Can’t wait! {In reality I just can’t wait for our little pumpkin to be with us next Halloween. Already dreaming up Star Wars family costumes.}

Happy Halloween, y’all. May your Reese’s pumpkins be soft, your Trick-or-Treat bags full and your costumes as sexual as possible!

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2 thoughts on “A Very Slutty Halloween”

  • 3 years ago

    There are like 50 other ways to “girl-ify” a costume without showing skin. LEARN HOW my friends! Add bows. Add a tutu. Add make up. Add glitter. Add tights. Add heels. Make it a dress. E T C.

  • 3 years ago


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